Reasons

 People who haven't been through all the difficulties, who haven't suffered from being poor can be optimistic about life.. They can hold their head high and say that as long as you desire something and work hard you'll be able to accomplish your dream. This is why I hate all those books that give useless encouragements.  False hope.. It's all false hope.. Read a book, fill your heart with hope and then come back to reality and have your heart broken by the cold, social status and money. Money.. the most scary thing in this world. 
     Your teacher announces a two day school trip with all your colleagues. It's the fourth school trip since you've been in school. You wish you could go and play with everyone but when you get at home you don't say a single word to your mother. You'll just make her sad because she can't give you the money so it's useless to even mention it. Mmmm.. I was a kid who always ignored school trips, who always pretended to be busy and couldn't go. My mom never asked me about any school trips.  I'm a person who would wear a pair of shoes until they were completely worn out because I was afraid to ask my mom to buy another because I knew she couldn't afford it.
    I knew we couldn't afford a lot of things and didn't even dream about them. I didn't envy other kids either. It wasn't right for me to be dissatisfied with everything my mom was trying to offer me. It would have been disrespectful to all the effort and work put into raising me. But now.. someone who's never experienced this.. not even once.. is telling me that as long as I work hard towards my dream, it will come true. It makes me angry. Why does this make me angry when I know he's just trying to help me? 
I've already started wanting too many things and I'm already dissatisfied with what I have. I want more.. and the more I want, the more it will hurt. I was happy not wanting things.. 
    I want more love, I want to be more beautiful, I want to be smarter, I want more clothes.. I envy others..  I'm a completely different person. Now I'm sadder, lonelier, poorer.
    There was a movie I really liked about a girl who wanted nothing more than the happiness of her family. After being cheated and betrayed by the man she loved she decided to be happy no matter the cost. She approached and fooled a very wealthy man into believing in her purity and innocence. She lied to him all the way. When he found out that although she did love him, she was still just a materialistic girl, this is one of the conversations they had..

" - Why? Why didn't you give up? Why did you go so far in order to enter this high class you are talking about? 

            - I also wanted to live while loving. Getting love and giving love.. I just want to "love". But..  I couldn't live just with love. 

            - Don't make excuses. There are people who think love is the hardest.

            - For me, living in the world is the hardest. Even though you wanted to believe in love, I wanted to believe in the world. "Being poor regardless of how hard I try.. is never your fault." Because there was no world that told me something like that. 

            - Is poverty a high position, something to be proud of? If you are poor, is it okay to use a person's sincerity? How is love related to poverty? Poverty.. is not something to be proud of. I was also in the same situation. I've endured it all when I had nowhere to sleep and nothing to eat. And.. I even rose to this position. Poverty? Don't make excuses.

          - For you, you had good fortune.

          - Good fortune?

          - The painting. That kind of good fortune doesn't come to everyone.

          - It was good fortune? What kind of crazy bastard would pay 30,000 Euro for something worthless? He bought it because he saw it to be worthy of 30,000 Euro! How could you call it "good fortune"? Okay, fine. Even if it was good fortune, it's a result of me working so hard in that horrible situation... that the world gave it to me as a reward.

         - But there is no such world for us. "If we try hard something wonderful will happen." That kind of world... we've never lived in.

        - Then are you saying I somehow got lucky and rose all the way up here?

        - The luck you were born with probably carried you all the way here.

        - Born with it? You know very well how I, alone, got to this position!

        - Because you are a person who can believe in good fortune. But I am a person who can't believe in things like good fortunes.

        - Stop talking like a loser!

        - ....  then do you also think that being poor, regardless of how hard I try.. is my fault? Being poor, regardless of how hard I try.. is just because I am dumb? Being poor, regardless of how much I've tried to get out, is because I lived my life wrongly?

       - I suppose it is. "

                                                                                     ( Cheondamdong Alice )

The person who bought his painting was his rich father.

Even though it's a movie.. this is how the world works. 

Pink... because dreams are pink

 Pink... because dreams are pink

A few moments ago I realized something quite sad. People I like are never in the same time frame as me. I don't know if this is because of me.. because I keep missing the perfect moment or because.. in the end I'm just like the rest.
          Today, I realized that someone I like doesn't have time to talk to me anymore. It's such a sad feeling. It leaves me hoping and abandoned at the same time. At first I thought it was because I said something to him. I always try to hint my feelings and I was afraid that this time the hints were too obvious. Who knows.. maybe they were.. maybe it's one of the reasons why he hasn't contacted me anymore. I was so glad when I received a message from him, telling me that he missed me. He always took the initiative and I loved this thing about him. It reassured me that I wasn't just one of his friends. I was someone he looked for when he needed to talk or was feeling bad. I was so happy..
      Now.. he doesn't have time anymore. Maybe he doesn't need me anymore. He's happy now.. and busy. Nevertheless.. I was still happy even though I knew he always looked for only when he needed me.. because I know that I did the same. This is the sad realization I made today: I did the same. I could sigh all day.. Why did I do the same? And I still do.. I only look for certain people when I need them and when I don't I just forget about them. I realized my selfishness thanks to him... I should thank him.. and still... I can't. I don't want to be thrown aside and used only as a bandage from time to time. It's painful..
     I want to promise to myself that next time I won't foget about anyone even if I'm busy or all things are good in my life.. but I know I don't have the confidence to keep that promise.
    And now, when it's hard for me and I need someone by my side.. I reject the people who want to help me.. the people I want next to me actually don't care. Do I really only chase what I can't have? Am I really like that? DO I only chase dreams I can't have? 
What's wrong with dreaming.. ? I have slowly started to figure it out. Dreams hurt.. too much. I keep wanting things I don't have. I keep picturing myself next to people I'll never touch. Next thing I knew I don't live here anymore.. I feel that I'm not a part of this world.. that nobody understands me anymore. I want to live in my own dreamworld, not here. 
It's a greed that hurts.. it eats your soul little by little until there's nothing left. Like my own soul. I've dreamed too much.

Should I believe?

I wonder if it isn't too bad to live and die alone.
Maybe this is what I deserve for everything I have done, suffering and never finding my soulmate. I guess it's foolish to believe in something so idealistic and so hard to find, knowing I'll never be able to accomplish this dream.
Soulmate?! It makes me laugh at how pathetic I am, I'll never be able to love that man even if I find him. When I wrote this in my notebook even my pen stopped writing. Nothing's working for me anyway. This is just a life I have to go through, to suffer and make amends for my past sins I guess..
Still, it would be fantastic to meet my soulmate. Although I know I don't deserve such a thing, I can't stop wanting it, dreaming about it, wondering if any cute guy I see is possibly the man I would die for.
I still want that man. I want to watch that man 'till I fall asleep. I want so many moments, hours, days with him 'till I'm satisfied that it can last me another 3 lives of solitude.
I wonder if he knows I exist too, if he's thinking about me too..
Is it possible to miss a person you don't even know? I miss him so much that I can actually bleed from my heart. Can I see you for at least one moment, one single moment to know you really are true..

Can I really talk to you?

Will I ever be able to be myself? I want to say what I think without being afraid that I'll push people away from me. I want to be liked and loved for who I am. People ask me "Who are you?"... What can I answer , "I'm nobody, a person you don't know but still sent you a message because she feels lonely." Can I say that?
I was wondering what a friend of mine would answer, she talks so casually to strangers and they answer back. I am so afraid they'll not answer me that I stare at the monitor thinking what to write, then write something friendly, then I erase it. "Maybe he'll think I'm a stalker or maybe I need to write something more funny or shocking so that he'll answer me", this is what goes through my head as I try to answer his "Who are you" question.
I can never say what I think or else I'll be alone forever. So I lie to everybody around me so that I can still have people to talk to. I pretend to be somebody else when all I want to do is scream and cry until I can't breath anymore.
Maybe it's the influence of a sad instrumental song that makes me feel this way but I still wonder "What do I really want to say?". I know very well what I want to say but I can't say it because then I'll be alone forever.

Man and woman stuff

Today I asked a guy what would he choose between a perfect pretty, smart and kind woman and an imperfect one but after answering shallowly that all people are imperfect, at the end of the message he said that he's not good at this man and woman stuff. After I smiled, I got angry.
These "stuff" are the most important thing in life. This is what makes possible for us to live. Can we live on this planet if there aren't any people? I can't and I guess nobody can. The relationships we make weather it's with a man or a woman... this is what we live for. Can we live only for our work or career, being lonely? Ok, let's say that all your life all you care about is your career and then what? When you'll be sixty, old and sick and alone in a house with nobody to look at you or hold your hand or keep you company, nobody to love and nobody that loves you. Is this the dream you want? Is this the perfect life that everyone should aspire? I better not live than live like this. I want to have grandchildren, I want to go on vacations with my husband, I want a white wedding dress and to give birth... I don't want to be lonely.
So these "stuff" for me are the most important thing in life, that's why I got angry at a boy fer not knowing how to set his priorities. Now that I think of it I'm kind of funny to get angry at him for that.
People better realize this soon: you need friends, family and you need love more than anything in order to find happiness in this kind of world.

Green

A green piece of paper, another song that's too loud.
My soulmate's name starts with an "E". I believe this is fate telling me not to give up and believe. My soulmate sings. He has the most beautiful voice I've ever heard and when he sings he seems so peaceful, just as pure and innocent as a child. When he smiles I'm more afraid than I've ever been in my life. I'm afraid I might not see this smile ever again.
My soulmate often takes my hand and starts running out of nowhere. He's running with me towards happiness. My soulmate can read my mind. He knows what I feel, he knows I don't like animals but I'm not mean to them, he knows I like surprises and cool guys, he likes my body because I'm not too thin and I'm healthy, he loves my eyes and always looks straight into them.
My soulmate can sing only for me because his soul requires it, because his voice and hands can only perform for this girl, because he will never be happy doing it for anybody else.
My soulmate's name starts with an "E". I wish I could find you.. I wish you would appear in front of me right now.

Grey

Next stage, a grey piece of paper, a new movie, a new story, a new man. Do I have to try loving all the men in order to find the one that's meant for me? Is it that hard to find him? Where are you? Where is the man that makes my heart freeze, that sings only for me, that looks closely into my eyes and sees the true me? Can I be happy like this, settling for an average me?
I can only be truly happy if I can hear you sing for me. Only if you sing I can hear your heart calling me so please please SING! I keep on waiting in this room, with orange sheets and curtains, with a man standing in front of me, ignoring me, torturing me. Can you hear me? I hope with all my heart, I pray that you can hear my soul crying to find and rescue me.
There is a song I heard in one of the dramas I was watching, it's called "Fly me to the moon". In what world can people love like this? In what world can I obtain happiness? Is it this one or the one next to it? Do I have to wish I was beautiful or very smart or have the kindest heart? Do I have to be all this to be loved and find love? Is this world even suited for me? Is my soulmate in this world?

Blue

Blue is for luck, good luck.
The people that you meet and the relationships you make are your good luck. Some are very lucky to find love through luck. How can anyone be more lucky than this? Am I lucky enough to be successful and have everything I want or am i lucky enough to find love? So far neither of them is working for me :)
In fact, being successful is another method in finding happiness and love. If I am successful I can become prettier and I can search for him better. I can travel and ask much more people if they have seen my soulmate. If I can have everything I want maybe that person can look at me, can sing for me and smile at me. Maybe that boy will fall in love with me, maybe like this I can have a happy ending. So this means that I am not greedy, right? I don't want money, I just want his songs and smile. I wonder what I would give for my soulmate's song. The only thing I've wanted my whole life has been to meet the one I'm destined for. This was my dream from the beginning and the only dream that I've fought for with all my power. What would you give?
If I could meet my soulmate just once, hear his song or see him smile at me just once ... I would give all my memories. Yes, my memories of my mother, my brother and even my little memories of my sister, fragments of pictures of her beautiful smile, my memories of friends and lovers that helped me so much. My most precious thing I own. It's only fair that for such a precious thing I should exchange something equally important.
I wonder what would others exchange. What is the most precious thing for others and what would they sacrifice for true love?

Turquoise

A color that needs other colors

I have to start from somewhere or else I might as well just die tomorrow because I have nothing else better to do then to sit and wait. This continuous waiting is slowly killing my soul and my youth.
I am not the person that doesn't care what others say or think about me. I care a lot but I have to do this in order to make myself heard. I have to make him hear me and my shout. I decided to post everything I wrote on a blog. writing these letters for him, never knowing where to send them.. it's painful.
I hope you don't judge me but understand that for me, finding him is the only purpose in life that's worth fighting for.
Here is the first letter for my soulmate:


" Today I heard whispers in my ear telling me to never leave and to love him forever but I couldn't say anything. He told me that I'm his soulmate and my heart couldn't bear to hurt him. I wanted to say that I don't feel this way, that I'm not happy but grateful, that I want to leave but don't have anywhere else to go. In the end I couldn't say anything so I closed my eyes so I don't start crying.
Each day without you seems like I'm older and older and I will die next week and not be able to hold your hand. I wonder what's worse, having you but being constantly afraid that I'll lose you or being afraid that I'll never meet you? Either way I'll always be afraid of something and it will never be perfect. At least I know this.
My aunt told me this week that soulmates are opposite beings and that because we are so different there is a balance. Just like a man that pulls a rope to the right and a woman to the left. When the rope is pulled by both it is in a perfect balance, never touching the ground. It kind of makes sense. It's much more interesting to have a man that's different from you, teaching you how he sees the world, his views and ways. We can both teach each other many things.
You are different from me aren't you? I hope you are! I hope you are not like the man that stands once again in front of me. Him and I are so alike and yet every day with him feels the same. I wanted to teach him so many times ways that he can love me. I tried to teach him but he failed every time. Are you mad because I tried to replace you? I thought I have the responsibility to try and teach him how to truly love. I owed that to him because he gave me so much and I couldn't give him my heart.
I guess it's a sign that he's not my soulmate. I am still waiting for you to appear in front of the door with a cute hat and your funny looking hairstyle wearing a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, smiling at me. Why can't you say "foolish girl" and pull me towards you, hugging me 'till I can't breath?
How long must I still wait for that hug? "