Turquoise

A color that needs other colors

I have to start from somewhere or else I might as well just die tomorrow because I have nothing else better to do then to sit and wait. This continuous waiting is slowly killing my soul and my youth.
I am not the person that doesn't care what others say or think about me. I care a lot but I have to do this in order to make myself heard. I have to make him hear me and my shout. I decided to post everything I wrote on a blog. writing these letters for him, never knowing where to send them.. it's painful.
I hope you don't judge me but understand that for me, finding him is the only purpose in life that's worth fighting for.
Here is the first letter for my soulmate:


" Today I heard whispers in my ear telling me to never leave and to love him forever but I couldn't say anything. He told me that I'm his soulmate and my heart couldn't bear to hurt him. I wanted to say that I don't feel this way, that I'm not happy but grateful, that I want to leave but don't have anywhere else to go. In the end I couldn't say anything so I closed my eyes so I don't start crying.
Each day without you seems like I'm older and older and I will die next week and not be able to hold your hand. I wonder what's worse, having you but being constantly afraid that I'll lose you or being afraid that I'll never meet you? Either way I'll always be afraid of something and it will never be perfect. At least I know this.
My aunt told me this week that soulmates are opposite beings and that because we are so different there is a balance. Just like a man that pulls a rope to the right and a woman to the left. When the rope is pulled by both it is in a perfect balance, never touching the ground. It kind of makes sense. It's much more interesting to have a man that's different from you, teaching you how he sees the world, his views and ways. We can both teach each other many things.
You are different from me aren't you? I hope you are! I hope you are not like the man that stands once again in front of me. Him and I are so alike and yet every day with him feels the same. I wanted to teach him so many times ways that he can love me. I tried to teach him but he failed every time. Are you mad because I tried to replace you? I thought I have the responsibility to try and teach him how to truly love. I owed that to him because he gave me so much and I couldn't give him my heart.
I guess it's a sign that he's not my soulmate. I am still waiting for you to appear in front of the door with a cute hat and your funny looking hairstyle wearing a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, smiling at me. Why can't you say "foolish girl" and pull me towards you, hugging me 'till I can't breath?
How long must I still wait for that hug? "