Should I believe?

I wonder if it isn't too bad to live and die alone.
Maybe this is what I deserve for everything I have done, suffering and never finding my soulmate. I guess it's foolish to believe in something so idealistic and so hard to find, knowing I'll never be able to accomplish this dream.
Soulmate?! It makes me laugh at how pathetic I am, I'll never be able to love that man even if I find him. When I wrote this in my notebook even my pen stopped writing. Nothing's working for me anyway. This is just a life I have to go through, to suffer and make amends for my past sins I guess..
Still, it would be fantastic to meet my soulmate. Although I know I don't deserve such a thing, I can't stop wanting it, dreaming about it, wondering if any cute guy I see is possibly the man I would die for.
I still want that man. I want to watch that man 'till I fall asleep. I want so many moments, hours, days with him 'till I'm satisfied that it can last me another 3 lives of solitude.
I wonder if he knows I exist too, if he's thinking about me too..
Is it possible to miss a person you don't even know? I miss him so much that I can actually bleed from my heart. Can I see you for at least one moment, one single moment to know you really are true..