Should I believe?

I wonder if it isn't too bad to live and die alone.
Maybe this is what I deserve for everything I have done, suffering and never finding my soulmate. I guess it's foolish to believe in something so idealistic and so hard to find, knowing I'll never be able to accomplish this dream.
Soulmate?! It makes me laugh at how pathetic I am, I'll never be able to love that man even if I find him. When I wrote this in my notebook even my pen stopped writing. Nothing's working for me anyway. This is just a life I have to go through, to suffer and make amends for my past sins I guess..
Still, it would be fantastic to meet my soulmate. Although I know I don't deserve such a thing, I can't stop wanting it, dreaming about it, wondering if any cute guy I see is possibly the man I would die for.
I still want that man. I want to watch that man 'till I fall asleep. I want so many moments, hours, days with him 'till I'm satisfied that it can last me another 3 lives of solitude.
I wonder if he knows I exist too, if he's thinking about me too..
Is it possible to miss a person you don't even know? I miss him so much that I can actually bleed from my heart. Can I see you for at least one moment, one single moment to know you really are true..

Can I really talk to you?

Will I ever be able to be myself? I want to say what I think without being afraid that I'll push people away from me. I want to be liked and loved for who I am. People ask me "Who are you?"... What can I answer , "I'm nobody, a person you don't know but still sent you a message because she feels lonely." Can I say that?
I was wondering what a friend of mine would answer, she talks so casually to strangers and they answer back. I am so afraid they'll not answer me that I stare at the monitor thinking what to write, then write something friendly, then I erase it. "Maybe he'll think I'm a stalker or maybe I need to write something more funny or shocking so that he'll answer me", this is what goes through my head as I try to answer his "Who are you" question.
I can never say what I think or else I'll be alone forever. So I lie to everybody around me so that I can still have people to talk to. I pretend to be somebody else when all I want to do is scream and cry until I can't breath anymore.
Maybe it's the influence of a sad instrumental song that makes me feel this way but I still wonder "What do I really want to say?". I know very well what I want to say but I can't say it because then I'll be alone forever.