Pink... because dreams are pink
A few moments ago I realized something quite sad. People I like are never in the same time frame as me. I don't know if this is because of me.. because I keep missing the perfect moment or because.. in the end I'm just like the rest.
Today, I realized that someone I like doesn't have time to talk to me anymore. It's such a sad feeling. It leaves me hoping and abandoned at the same time. At first I thought it was because I said something to him. I always try to hint my feelings and I was afraid that this time the hints were too obvious. Who knows.. maybe they were.. maybe it's one of the reasons why he hasn't contacted me anymore. I was so glad when I received a message from him, telling me that he missed me. He always took the initiative and I loved this thing about him. It reassured me that I wasn't just one of his friends. I was someone he looked for when he needed to talk or was feeling bad. I was so happy..
Now.. he doesn't have time anymore. Maybe he doesn't need me anymore. He's happy now.. and busy. Nevertheless.. I was still happy even though I knew he always looked for only when he needed me.. because I know that I did the same. This is the sad realization I made today: I did the same. I could sigh all day.. Why did I do the same? And I still do.. I only look for certain people when I need them and when I don't I just forget about them. I realized my selfishness thanks to him... I should thank him.. and still... I can't. I don't want to be thrown aside and used only as a bandage from time to time. It's painful..
I want to promise to myself that next time I won't foget about anyone even if I'm busy or all things are good in my life.. but I know I don't have the confidence to keep that promise.
And now, when it's hard for me and I need someone by my side.. I reject the people who want to help me.. the people I want next to me actually don't care. Do I really only chase what I can't have? Am I really like that? DO I only chase dreams I can't have?
What's wrong with dreaming.. ? I have slowly started to figure it out. Dreams hurt.. too much. I keep wanting things I don't have. I keep picturing myself next to people I'll never touch. Next thing I knew I don't live here anymore.. I feel that I'm not a part of this world.. that nobody understands me anymore. I want to live in my own dreamworld, not here.
It's a greed that hurts.. it eats your soul little by little until there's nothing left. Like my own soul. I've dreamed too much.
